Oh…hey there. Pardon my dust. It doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to see I all but abandoned this blog for the last several months. I have no valid excuse aside from laziness and a bit of fear. Especially because I have several blogs written and ready to go, I just didn’t do the artwork. (good reasoning, Sam. Oy vey)

My depression snuck up on me again, and I have found myself in an odd season. Its incredibly mild, with symptoms that don’t even kind of match what they were when it was out in full force 10 years ago. In fact, I didn’t even recognize it AS depression until my yearly physical. I had convinced myself of some other random illness like the hypochondriac I am, and as I listed my symptoms to my doctor, she said, “Sam, you just described mild depression.” My response? “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. THAT’S what it was”

I’ve been non-committal and anxious about my perceived failure with this blog. (because a few months of no posts CLEARLY means I am a huge failure and I posting would be SO embarrassing and owning that I am human and bailed out for a hot minute would be awful – internal monologue) I’ve been exhausted on unexplainable levels. I’ve had a lack of contentment and joy – particularly surrounding work.  I’ve bene raising a 2-year-old with a husband whose work schedule, until last week, ended up with him working until 8pm (past bedtime). None of these things are bad…in fact, the mention of said 2-year-old and husband make me gleeful, they are the best. However, all combined, plus a few other wrenches thrown in (both good and bad) lead me to…silence.

BUT, I’ve started back on a low dose of medication to help with the exhaustion, and on top of all the things, I finally got a new job (!!!) after a year + of searching, informationals, and interviews, which is such a relief and God send and just glorious, and I am very much looking forward to getting a new brother when my sister marries the man of her dreams later this summer! Plus, I am choosing sleep over continuing to stay up late for “one more episode” or one more line of cross stich (which I am learning and its awesome and hard and cool).

SO that leads me to today. Blogging. Again. Hallelujah.

What brought me back, you ask? A friend just took a massive her weight loss process and I am SO damn proud of her. She mentioned reading this blog, and how could I leave her high and dry with support without new posts?! So, here’s to you, dear lady, for you got me back on the keyboard. Inspiration all around.

I’ve been in my funk of depression for a few months now, and I am noticing a few things about it, in terms of how it ties to my weight loss and maintenance of it. I’m seeing changes in mood or behavior, but instead of just whining and listing them, I will also tell you how to combat them. My depression takes its form in really just lack of motivation or caring yet being wildly oversensitive at the same time. So basically, blasé and perma-annoyed. (Don’t you wish I was your wife?!) Also, throw in a chunk of self-competition at the same time, and I am a HOOT.

Exhaustion: Since I have been so tired, its been a struggle to get out of bed at 5am to go for a 5:30 workout. Honestly, typing that made me yawn. To combat this, I moved to waking up at 5:45 (ok, 5:55) and going to the 6:15am workout instead. It is a MUCH smaller class, but I like it, because it gives me a bit more 1:1 training, and we can all be a little sassier with our coach.

Self-Competition: My Fitbit is one of my most favorite things. Combine that with my Treaddesk at work, and I am unstoppable. A step machine. Last week, I decided that I *had* to have 100,000 steps by end of day Friday. Just…because. I succeeded, because I’m competitive and don’t give up when I’ve decided something silly and trivial like this, but because I am already exhausted, walking 15-20,000 steps a day put me almost completely unable to function by dinner. While I am proud of hitting that goal, this week I am giving myself grace…I’m still hitting my 10,000 a day, but not much over it. I skipped my Monday workout to get some extra sleep. Grace.

Hunger: I jump between “I have no desire for food at all, but I’m hungry” and “oh my gosh eat all the things” when I am struggling. When nothing sounds good, its hard to make smart, healthy choices. When you’re ravenous, its hard to make smart, healthy choices. When you’re stressed, it’s hard to make smart, healthy choices. See a pattern? When I am in my funk, its hard to make smart, healthy choices. We end up eating a lot of pasta, sandwiches, and pizza. Salad doesn’t sound good when you’ve spent the day ragey. Beer and pizza do. Water isn’t needed when you celebrate a new job, prosecco is! Popcorn is necessary while you’re watching tv, or a Blizzard, right? A lot of my food choices lately have been emotion, exhaustion, and lazy based. But, I’m also feeling it, and I don’t like feeling it. So, I am forcing myself to fight it. I am meal planning, even if it’s the same foods as last week because I can’t think of anything to cook. I am choosing several days a week to consume water and coffee only, instead of adding alcohol or juice (I quit the soda train years ago). Today, I am going almost keto. Oatmeal for breakfast, a chopped salad (leftovers) for lunch, and I’ll be making “simple” steak and Brussel sprouts for dinner. This seems obvious and easy, but when I’ve been struggling, its hard to even plan that out, to get my brain on track enough to focus and think and process simple decisions. I can be functioning almost entirely normal, feeling emotionally great, then try to meal plan or type out a list or do something at work and it feels impossible. Brains are weird, man.

Motivation: HA! What’s that?! Just kidding, this is universal. All of it really is…we’re humans, we aren’t perfect all the time. We aren’t 100% motivated all the time. We know what we want but we aren’t always willing to make any sacrifices to achieve it. Lately, I have struggled to go to my workouts, because I don’t want to sacrifice sleep. I’ve had to talk myself into getting out of bed and getting to the class, even if its reminding myself “your child will wake up in the next half hour anyway, its not like you’re gonna get 4 more hours” (GREAT reminder) or “you are in your sister’s wedding in a few weeks, GET UP!” That one is actually a great one too, and it’s a dual reminder – one for getting out of bed to go work out, and one for mid-workout to push myself hard so I look good in my bridesmaid’s dress! Motivation is hard when you have any form of distraction – its hot out, cold out, you’re bored, you’re busy, you’re tired, you’re hyper…you can lose motivation at any time. But the thing is, you must find a way to get your mind over the motivation, and do it despite your lack of motivation, to keep pressing towards the goal despite the fears or anxiety. You just need to take one step. Like making good food choices for today, like getting out of bed and working out, like going for a run after work, like writing and posting a blog post. 😊

So that’s where we are. I’ve caught you up. And I promise to be better. I don’t promise to be perfect, and I certainly can’t promise I won’t disappear again, but I can promise to try. Thanks for sticking with me while I figure it all out.

Note:

I really thought about not talking about my depression. I didn’t want to look crazy for weird or full of excuses or searching for sympathy. I also REALLY debated the medication comment, because its just so taboo. But that’s the exact reason I decided to keep it. When you have a migraine, you take an Excedrin and take a nap. When you have pneumonia, you get an antibiotic. Why on EARTH should you not take medicine when something is off with your noggin?!? Go to your doctor, see a therapist, go to church, take (prescribed to you by your doctor!) meds, do what you need to do to get healthy, feeling good, and functioning. Quit with caring about how others view your self-care.  Also, I am not a doctor, so I won’t say which medicine I am on nor will I tell you medical advice…this is my story, and how I am caring for myself. Work with your medical professional to make sure you are caring for yourself properly.

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