I’ve told you how I lost the weight, its high time I tell you why I lost the weight.

For almost the entirety of my life, I’ve struggled with feelings about my body. Part of me thinks that some of that comes from having a group of naturally REALLY skinny friends, so in my teenage eyes, my normal body felt huge. I used to say to my husband, “I wish I was as fat as I thought I was in high school!” because DANG looking back at that girl, she was skinny and fit and a great weight!

She was playing soccer and eating mostly fine and had an incredible metabolism and was so normal! I remember just after my senior year, getting photos back (yep, they were PRINTED, not digital!) from senior skip day, where we spent the Monday after prom swimming at a friends house, and I loved one picture but literally cut the bottom half of it off because you could see two rolls on my stomach. 18 year old Sam didn’t understand that literally everyone in a bikini, sitting in a chair with bad posture and leaning over, will ALWAYS have curves. Even {insert your dream skinny person’s body here – mines Jennifer Aniston!}. So I chopped it off. Still a great photo, but I wish I had kept it full.

I digress.

During my freshman year of college (Go Ducks!) where although I was at my dream school, following my dream subjects of history and drama, joining a sorority, and generally “living my best life”, I developed severe depression, and continued that battle hard for the next several years. As I’ve told you before, it still rears its ugly head, but its much more managed now. Depression is no joke.** While I was struggling hard to keep my head above water mentally, just about everywhere else in my life suffered, especially my diet.

Sometimes, my depression would look like what you think depression should look like – sad, crying, upset, lackluster. Other times, it looked like TV or XBOX binges, sleeping a lot, crafting, drinking, or begging for positive quotes from my friends from school and home that I could put on my wall to help. Still other times, it came through the complete inability to walk to the café to get food, and when I could, it was more like “ok, this looks manageable today. This might make me happy.” None of this was healthy, and truly was me trying to manage it myself, but it lead to eating for comfort over health, and I picked up some terrible food habits that are so hard to break.

At that time, my 19 year old metabolism and as yet undiagnosed hypothyroidism helped to hold my weight gain to a minimum, but it slowly started creeping up. In the middle of my sophomore year, I ended up leaving school and moving home, which was an incredible decision for my mental health, albeit an insanely difficult one that I resisted for far too long.

But God works in funny ways.

Within two weeks of being home, I had a job hosting at the local Red Robin, and about a week after that, I met the man who would become my husband 3 years later. Despite my struggles, we very quickly knew we were in it for the long haul. As everyone says, falling in love helps you let go, so a little more weight was added. PLUS, I was working really off hours, then going out with co-workers, drinking, staying out late, and my sleep schedule was so off added more weight. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t care all that much because it wasn’t showing all the much, and on top of it all, I was playing soccer at least once a week, so it helped me not gain too much too fast.

A perfect storm.

Flash forward 7 years. I had been married for 5 of those and was pregnant with our daughter. While I certainly didn’t go full “give me all the food like they do in the movies” pregnant diet, I didn’t restrict myself very much with eating, and didn’t work out hardly at all. In my first trimester, I didn’t hardly eat because I just wasn’t interested -lets call it an all around food aversion – and later my only “cravings” were just a preference for fruit, so that helped me not to gain too much throughout my pregnancy.

After having our babe, even though I no longer needed to, I was still eating the same as when I was pregnant, and THAT is when the weight started to hop on board. I had a C-section, so I was pretty sedentary for a while, and obviously had a full time job of feeding a newborn, so all my grab and go snacking added lots of weight. I lost the initial “baby weight” pretty quickly, but as fast as it came off, within 10 months I had gained it all back and more. As in, at my heaviest, I was 7 pounds shy of my weight the day I gave birth – WITH the baby still inside me.

We did a family photo shoot at that 10 month mark, and when I received the incredible and fun photos, I was horrified by the weight and mental place I had let myself get to.

I was unrecognizable to myself for the first time ever.

Through tears, I talked at length with my parents and husband about he desperate need that I had to lose the weight. They expressed their full unending support, and my mother suggested 30/10. I was really worried about cutting some of my favorite foods (carbs) with some of my favorite days (Easter, my daughters 1st birthday, 4th of July) approaching, but all three were quick to remind me that this, like all things, would take time and sacrifice, but the intense part would have an end date. To help make the thought of such a transition manageable, I gave myself grace. My self-talk said things like “Ok, Easter you can cheat and have a bit of wine, you’ll be 6 weeks into the program”, or “You don’t need a cupcake on her birthday, its more about seeing her ENJOY that cupcake”, etc. which helped immeasurably. I went in for my first scan at 30/10 Weight Loss the next day, and had the pictures not already convinced me, the science did. I was so embarrassed by every single category that I was ready to start that very second.

Looking back, I realized that the foods I thought I would so desperately miss were not nearly as hard to cut out. Even though I can now eat those foods in moderation, I understand that many of them were, and still are, crutches. The things I reach for when I’m lazy, don’t want to cook, bored, sad, tired, excited, they’re crutches. Food shouldn’t be a celebration, its a tool. You can enjoy it, but you have to be smart about it. It was hard to convince myself that I could and WOULD succeed in the program, and reach my goals of losing weight and feeling good about my body. Truly the hardest part was making the decision. The pain and struggles that I thought I would have weren’t as severe as I expected, and I had support and accountability out the wazoo to make it through.

It was time.

I needed to make changes to better myself. To improve my overall health and lose weight, which included readjusting my brain and improving my mental health along with my physical health. I was also very aware that I had two tiny eyes staring at me. I needed to be an excellent example to her in health and creating the life that you want to live for yourself. It was and still is important to be a living example for her what perseverance looked like, and what it led to. I needed to be able to show her, day in and day out, that working for what you want and to improve yourself is not only necessary but it is very much worth it. Sharing with her a healthy relationship with food could save her from struggles and battles I’ve already fought. I needed to be able to pull out those before and after photos, share the struggle with her, and help to motivate her through the inevitable struggles in her life, weight related or not.

And so my adventure began.

**Monday, September 10th was World Suicide Prevention Day. If you or anyone you know is struggling with depression, anxiety, or any type of mental illness, or you even suspect it, please reach out for help. Getting help for pain you are feeling is no joke, its not weakness or craziness. It is strength and boldness and power and something to be honored. You are a hero to yourself and those around you for getting help for yourself, helping someone else get help, and being a support in the storm. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline number is: 1-800-273-8255. There is no shame in reaching out. For help finding a therapist in your area, I suggest searching on the Psychology Today site. Look around, find one you are comfortable with and feel good about, you can shop around and do consults. Find what and who works for YOU to help YOU get well. (Sam note: While every post on my blog may contain affiliate links, NONE of these are affiliates. I care deeply about mental health awareness and killing the taboo. Get help if you need it, you would if you broke your leg, why should your brain be any different??) <3